Month: July 2011

Since ancient times, humankind has struggled with storing spare change. I believe it was the Romans who first used a spare sock. With the Renaissance came the invention of the glass jar. And now, as we march boldly into the Twenty-First Century, I am pleased to announce that after a lifetime of hard research and product testing, I have finally hit upon the perfect spare change repository:  A hollowed-out pig.

You have to admit, this is sheer genius on my part. The answer seems so obvious in retrospect. How many different types of containers have we seen throughout our existence?  Boxes, tubes, tupperware, and barrels. The list goes on. Yet only a miniature hog fulfills the necessary requirements for coin storage.

Pigs are just naturally associated with money. For instance:  Pigs are where we get the word “swindled,” and there are many pithy sayings such as “You reap what you sow” (female pig).  When I tell you that you have a choice between placing your coins in a clear glass container, or in a pagan pig idol with a slot on top, the answer becomes obvious.  Pig with a hole in it.

The pig has several advantages, not least of which is that you cannot see how much change you have accumulated. Pigs are generally opaque creatures.  You will feel safe and secure not knowing that most of the weight comes from Canadian pennies you found in the parking lot.  And if thieves happen to break into your house, everyone knows they only look in the sock drawer or in the couch cushions. Several studies have shown that ceramic pigs sitting on your dresser attract no attention whatsoever.

Piggy banks have the added benefit of not easily relinquishing what you have deposited, making them an ideal savings mechanism. What they lack in interest rate, they more than make up for in risk tolerance. I have found that the best pigs have a plug in their belly roughly the size of a dime. If you stick a quarter in the slot, you are almost guaranteed not to lose a cent on that investment.

Some people may scoff at the idea of referring to these as Piggy Banks and not Piggy Safe Deposit Boxes, but I submit to you that pigs can and do offer all the services of a bank, up to and including denying me for loans.  Most Piggy Banks also offer free checking, but they will kill you in penalties if you overdraft.

The producers want you to know that no animals were harmed during the making of this movie.

We mean it.

Look, this movie may have featured terrific explosions, collapsing skyscrapers, half the country burned to a crisp, the other half frozen over.  It also featured several actors phoning it in for an easy paycheck at the box office.  But our consciences are clear on this matter:  Animals have escaped our production completely unscathed.

Also we’d like to point out that not only the lead actress, but also the hairdresser and a few of the grips are vegetarians. The rest of us do eat meat from time to time.  White meat only, mind you.  We’re not monsters.  It’s just that they hired this chef from L.A., and he’s got these lobster rolls to die for.  And occasionally, in the editing bay, we would send out for Chinese.  But only during all-night sessions.  And apart from this, no animals were harmed in the making of this movie.

Alright, yes, okay, we did shoot some scenes in the swamp.  How else were we going to simulate total planetoid destruction by Global Warming?  The actors did swat some mosquitos.  Do those count?  If they count, then we may have swatted a few.

… Well, have you ever been to Louisiana in July?  No?  Then don’t judge. It’s open season on plasma down there.  If anything, you should scold the mosquitos.  A few errant slaps are par for the course.

Oh yeah, and the fogger.  I guess technically, that’s poisonous gas.  But the bugs were outrageous.  We were losing the light, getting eaten alive, and about to go into overtime.   Anyway, you can’t prove that a particular animal died from gas.  Maybe they were just old.

… I may have seen the director kick his dog.

I don’t know why I blurted that out.  The dog was barking, and we were trying to have a script meeting.  It just wouldn’t shut up.  It wasn’t a very hard kick.  Just enough to shame it into silence.  He was very friendly later.  His tail was wagging and he wasn’t limping.

Yes, I know about the rodent problem in Stage 12.  The cats took care of it.  The cats are not technically on our payroll.  We did not instruct them to do any killing.  We merely brought them in, neglected to feed them, then set them loose for a night.

Did I say neglected to feed them?  We did not neglect.  We had every intention of feeding them first thing in the morning, but they were already full.  No, we did not hire Animal Services to come round up the stray cats.  Animal Services is staffed by volunteers.

I know what you’re thinking, but I’m pretty sure there were no fish, ducks, or other animals in the bay when we staged the big tanker explosion.  We had a city permit.  They would have taken care of that.  I specifically remember telling the mayor to protect the wildlife during our steak dinner.

To sum up, this movie was a production of the highest integrity, and no animals were harmed at all by our actions in making this post-apocalyptic legend for the ages.  Trust us:  Would we ignore Stuntman Bob’s last wishes, especially after he gave his tragic last performance falling off that burning water tower?