The producers want you to know that no animals were harmed during the making of this movie.
We mean it.
Look, this movie may have featured terrific explosions, collapsing skyscrapers, half the country burned to a crisp, the other half frozen over. It also featured several actors phoning it in for an easy paycheck at the box office. But our consciences are clear on this matter: Animals have escaped our production completely unscathed.
Also we’d like to point out that not only the lead actress, but also the hairdresser and a few of the grips are vegetarians. The rest of us do eat meat from time to time. White meat only, mind you. We’re not monsters. It’s just that they hired this chef from L.A., and he’s got these lobster rolls to die for. And occasionally, in the editing bay, we would send out for Chinese. But only during all-night sessions. And apart from this, no animals were harmed in the making of this movie.
Alright, yes, okay, we did shoot some scenes in the swamp. How else were we going to simulate total planetoid destruction by Global Warming? The actors did swat some mosquitos. Do those count? If they count, then we may have swatted a few.
… Well, have you ever been to Louisiana in July? No? Then don’t judge. It’s open season on plasma down there. If anything, you should scold the mosquitos. A few errant slaps are par for the course.
Oh yeah, and the fogger. I guess technically, that’s poisonous gas. But the bugs were outrageous. We were losing the light, getting eaten alive, and about to go into overtime. Anyway, you can’t prove that a particular animal died from gas. Maybe they were just old.
… I may have seen the director kick his dog.
I don’t know why I blurted that out. The dog was barking, and we were trying to have a script meeting. It just wouldn’t shut up. It wasn’t a very hard kick. Just enough to shame it into silence. He was very friendly later. His tail was wagging and he wasn’t limping.
Yes, I know about the rodent problem in Stage 12. The cats took care of it. The cats are not technically on our payroll. We did not instruct them to do any killing. We merely brought them in, neglected to feed them, then set them loose for a night.
Did I say neglected to feed them? We did not neglect. We had every intention of feeding them first thing in the morning, but they were already full. No, we did not hire Animal Services to come round up the stray cats. Animal Services is staffed by volunteers.
I know what you’re thinking, but I’m pretty sure there were no fish, ducks, or other animals in the bay when we staged the big tanker explosion. We had a city permit. They would have taken care of that. I specifically remember telling the mayor to protect the wildlife during our steak dinner.
To sum up, this movie was a production of the highest integrity, and no animals were harmed at all by our actions in making this post-apocalyptic legend for the ages. Trust us: Would we ignore Stuntman Bob’s last wishes, especially after he gave his tragic last performance falling off that burning water tower?